Note: None of pictures below this note appeals to Ms. Jeannie’s actual life. Because this interview is too long for a single post, it is split into two parts. Check out the previous post for part 1.
PART 2: BATTLING INSECURITIES
What was the most difficult insecurity to overcome in studying music and why?
Let me talk about my insecurity first. I started old, when I was twelve. I grew up in church and my father’s a church conductor. What does that mean? He has a lot of pianists, and I am not one of his choices. So, I feel insecure because he will not pick me, but other pianists. They are way better because I started late. So I felt insecure, and have this tendency of not playing in front of others.
The insecurity also comes from yourself. You compare, right? So you compare, “Oh, that person’s better than me, man.” You cannot play like them, you cannot play the way that person played Chopin. I’m not a good musician. So the insecurity starts to build up even if your teacher says, “Oh, you’re good. You’re fine.” You still have that insecurity.
Would you say there’s a specific person that made you really insecure?
I actually met two people who made me insecure and kind of destroyed my self esteem, but these two people helped me up again.
First is my father. He was the one at home always criticizing, so I often feel insecure and have low self-esteem. Nevertheless, he helped me out. He would always go to small towns to teach choir, and small town choirs don’t need fantastic pianists so he brought me along. I just went along with him for many years and I practiced from there. The pieces were not fantastic, but it’s something that I can play. I slowly built up my self esteem and confidence from these experiences.
My father also sent me to play in a small church, which meant I used the keyboard to play in church services, not piano. This means you don’t have to be very skillful, just minimum is enough. I played for many years before I got promoted, promoted, and promoted to being the main church pianist and organist. I got to touch the grand piano and go to a lot of weddings. That’s how he built my self esteem and confidence.
Number two is my music teacher from university. His name was Eugene, and he’s a young chap who graduated from London Music College, very good. When he saw me play, he said, “Oh my goodness, this is not the way you play piano! Your skill and timing are all wrong.”
I said, “Oh no, what should I do?” I already entered this university. Don’t tell me I’m gonna drop out! I was crying. I was like, “What should I do, teacher? What should I do?”
He picked me up, undid all my skills, and taught me how to play properly. He taught me a lot, this young chap: how to move my body, to express myself, how to play with the right technique and all that. I’ve never learned these skills from any other piano teachers, and I still use these skills today.
Eugene also taught me one more thing. I used to think that all musicians should be able to play Bach, Tchaikovsky, and all that. I had no esteem. In college, there were many pianists, and I learned that not every musician can play all the composers “correctly”. I got to know that certain people are good at certain composers. I have a friend who has short fingers. She can play Bach super well. Then I have a friend who has long fingers. She can’t play Bach, but she can play Chopin.
Well, how about me? I learned that I can play Brahms. That’s where I picked up my self esteem again. Learning music doesn’t mean you are good at every composer‘s music. You’ve got to relate to your temperament and character or so.
So these two people destroyed me yet built me up. Oh, it’s fun, right? I have great piano teachers.
Is there a specific part of playing piano that made you the most insecure?
I can admit that I’m not a very good choir pianist. Being a choir pianist means to follow the music note by note. I’m better with improvisation. The insecurity is that I try to be a choir pianist for my students, but I cannot focus well. That doesn’t mean that I will stop being a choir pianist, I’ll still do my best. I’ll still continue to accompany people and practice, but I know my limits. I think everyone should know their limits, from attempts, errors, experiment, and experience.
How do you manage having insecurities and expectations?
There are two types of people. One is like me; I don’t have high expectations, so other people helped me along my way. The other type with high expectations requires others to ease and calm them down in difficult times. You just have different people in your life, and they will help you along your way to success.
You’ll be successful in your life for whatever you’re doing. Successful doesn’t mean making lots of money or what. Successful means you enjoy what you’re doing and you do it well to your standards.
