Published in the April 2012 issue, on sale now
A man walks out of the elevator, into the lobby of the apartment building where Sofia Vergara lives. Tall, handsome, relaxed, dressed in workout clothes. All-American guy. I'm just walking in, about to buzz up.
"Hey," he calls out to me, "you here to see Sofia?"
Turns out it's her boyfriend, Nick. He's a very friendly guy, Nick, and he stops to chat. The more you talk to Nick, the more you like him.
After a minute I say, "Why don't you come up and join us for the interview?"
He looks confused.
"You could help shed some light on the cultural differences an American man faces when he's with a Latin woman," I tell him.
A smile spreads across Nick's face. He's no fool. He waves goodbye and is out the front door in two seconds flat.
This is not a magazine story. This is a public-service announcement. Roughly thirteen million people watch Sofia Vergara on Modern Family every week playing Gloria, the gorgeous, caring, opinionated, loud, and much-younger wife of Jay, played by Ed O'Neill. It's the best show on TV. You figure a lot of the men watching Sofia are single. Many have fallen in love with her — her Colombian curves, her perfect comedic timing, her accent. Unfortunately for them, they will never be with Sofia Vergara. Somehow, Sofia is nearly forty years old. She has a twenty-year-old son, and she has all-American Nick. So it figures that at least some of these single men in love with the Sofia Vergara they see on television will go looking for their own Sofia. And some of them just may find her, in another Latina. They may even marry that other Latina. It's not a stretch to say that children, perhaps many children, will come into this world because so many American men are falling in love with Sofia Vergara.
And so when I enter her apartment, I have a purpose. We greet with a kiss on each cheek, as if we'd met in Colombia. Then she leads me to a couch. It's a white couch — a Latin couch. Large, elegant, and comfortable. A family could inhabit this couch, could lean all the way back and laugh. It makes you feel at home.
I start off by bringing up Sonia Braga, the Latina bombshell from a generation ago. When I was a young man, I saw Sonia in two movies, Gabriela and Dona Flor and Her Two Husbands. In each one, the plot was driven by Sonia's ability to cook food that made you want to dive into the screen and make love in ways that wouldn't let you sleep at night. "Sonia Braga was my idea of a Latin woman," I tell Sofia. "That was all I wanted — great food and amazing sex. I even learned a little Portuguese so that I could communicate with her when I found her. I went to Brazil, and I did find my own Sonia Braga."
I tell her that when my wife moved to the United States from Brazil, we ate out for the first three days. On the fourth, she said she'd make soup. I went for a run around Central Park, thinking about all the meals I'd seen Sonia Braga prepare on the big screen. When I returned, I walked through the kitchen and noticed a blue bubble escape from the soup pot. Then another. I realized at that moment that in all the time I'd known my wife, she had never cooked for me. She had maids in Brazil who cooked for us. My wife was not rich. She was middle class. But everybody has maids in Brazil. Even the maids have maids in Brazil.
I walked to the pot, lifted the lid, and watched thousands of bubbles float toward the ceiling.
"What did you put in the soup?" I called out — in Portuguese.
"Look in the top cabinet," she called back.
I opened the cabinet and saw a small box of dishwasher detergent.
"My point is," I tell Sofia, "that all these American men who are falling in love with Latinas because of you may have no idea what they're getting into. It's only fair that you give them a heads-up."
The conversation that follows is the heads-up.
Is patience the most important quality that an American man needs if he wants to be with a Latina?
Yeah. There's always a lot going on. Nick wonders how I can get really mad and scream, then turn around, do something, come back, and forget that I was mad.
That's my wife. And I'll bet he thinks you're still mad ten minutes later.
Of course! The first time it happened, he thought, This woman is insane. One time I was screaming with my sister. Then the next day, I told him I was having lunch with her. He said, "How? You were just fighting with her!"
So we must understand the mercurial.
I'm, like, bipolar.
Is that something a Latin man would take for granted?
I didn't even realize it was weird or insane until I came here. It's not out of the ordinary where I come from. Everybody's like that. It's better that way. You forget about what's bothering you. It's not like you're holding it inside, you know? You get it out — and it's over with.
What about dealing with her family? Family is so central to a Latina.
Sometimes it can be bad to have too much family. Everybody gets involved in your problems, giving their opinion, gossiping, and making drama. But when bad things happen, they will be there to support you. Nick had a big accident a year and a half ago. He was in the hospital for a month. More people came to take care of me taking care of him than came to see him. He said, "Wow, this is amazing!"
When an American guy goes to meet them for the first time, what should he know?
First, he must accept that they're always going to be there. You have no options.
And her father?
He's going to be superprotective. And the brothers will be even worse. They will spy for him.
What about mothers? There's a joke American men have about mothers-in-law: The definition of bittersweet is when your mother-in-law drives off a cliff in your new Cadillac.
[Gasp.] The mother is the one who is going to help you in the long run! You must make her your friend. It matters what she thinks. If her mother has something bad to say about you, she'll say it all the time. It will never end. "Yeah, I told you! You knew he was like that! We allll knew." It will create a bad energy. So if the guy is intelligent, he'll make sure her mother is saying good things about him. That will become the energy all over the house.
I have to ask you about the decibel level around Latinas.
Oh, yeah. We're very loud. Ed O'Neill tells a funny story: When we were shooting one of the first episodes of Modern Family, our trailers were connected. So if I'm in my trailer screaming on the phone, he can hear me perfectly. I was having one of those "Oh, my God!" conversations with one of my cousins for twenty minutes. As soon as it ended, there's a knock on the door. It's Ed. "Sofia, are you okay?" I'm like, "What do you mean?"
"I thought maybe you were crying or having a heart attack or something."
"Oh, no. I was just on the phone with my cousin. We were talking about someone else."
Explain this: Latinas love to dress sexy. How is the guy she's with supposed to react when other guys look at her?
That's where it's up to the Latina to be intelligent and choose a guy who can handle that. If a Latina falls in love with someone who is insecure, it can be a nightmare. I've had girlfriends who've been with really jealous guys, and it's like they're never enjoying you. You're at a party and they're just watching your every move. Then they'll come over and say, "Why were you talking so closely to that guy? Put your skirt down!"
Look, if you're sexy, if you like dressing sexy, you're not doing anything more than feeling beautiful. A Latina just wants to walk into a place and feel great. Somebody is going to turn around and look. So a Latina better find a guy who understands that, even appreciates it, because it's a compliment.
So what happens when a sexy woman passes and your man turns and looks at her? Why isn't that okay?
That is a completely different thing.
What do you — ?
He can look, and then turn around. But not like this — Ohhhh! Sometimes the guy is looking in a way that makes you want to say, "Why don't you just follow her?" I don't have a problem with guys looking. It depends on how you look. If a woman in front of you is gorgeous, even the girls will look. But we're not going to stare. And we're not going to wink.
What about cheating? My wife has told me that she feels there would be less chance of an American guy cheating on her than a Latin guy.
Yes, of course. Latin men have something inside them, a genetic disposition to be a little sneaky. A Latin woman has to watch for that. An American guy might think twice before going there. He's thinking ahead, This could turn into a problem that's just not worth it. The Latin guy might love the drama and thrill of it in the moment.
I've heard that in Brazil there are places where there are seven women for every man. Is that why Latinas are fiercely territorial?
We don't want to share. In the past, Latin men were known to keep mistresses. As long as the wife didn't hear any gossip about it, or there wasn't any less money for her that month, I guess she put up with it. But that was years ago. Things have changed. Women now work. Women feel like they don't have to take that sh*t anymore.
Let's move to a more festive topic. Let's talk about dancing.
It'll be much easier if the American guy likes to dance. Because that's how we grew up. You go to a Latin party or a birthday and there's always dancing. In America, you go to a party and people just stand around with drinks. We had a birthday party here for my manager. By three in the morning, only the Latin people were left — and we all ended up dancing as if it were a nightclub. An American man who marries a Latina should understand that's the way it's going to be.
What if he's not that comfortable as a dancer?
I don't really care if my boyfriend is a good danc-er as long as he's got a great personality. But he's got to be willing to dance. He doesn't have to flip me around or anything. I'll do the dancing. All he has to do is get out there and move a little. He just can't be afraid to go out on the floor. If the guy doesn't really like to dance, he should think twice before he gets involved with a Latin woman. He shouldn't be out there forcing himself to please her. That might work at the beginning, but you can't do that over twenty years. When my family celebrates Thanksgiving, we have a DJ.
Who cooks the turkey on Thanksgiving?
My son, Manolo, cooks huge turkeys. We have something like sixty people.
Did you teach Manolo how to cook the turkeys?
No, I don't know how to cook.
You neither? What's going on? Every time I meet a Latina ...
Listen, I didn't know how to make coffee when I came to the United States. Because in Colombia the maids do it. A mother tells the maids what to cook. The mothers are like conductors of the household. But they're not really doing it.
That was my biggest —
Turnoff?
No, not turnoff. Mistake.
What? When you brought your wife here, you thought you were getting a maid?
No, I just didn't understand how central maids are to a South American household.
It's so different over there. You have the maid that cooks. The maid that irons the clothes. It's a hard adjustment. When I came to the United States and started working, my priority was not to buy a handbag but to spend my money on the maid and a nanny. Always.
If I were doing it over, that's exactly what I'd do.
I always tell my guy friends who are complaining that their Latina girlfriends want a maid: "Listen, this is for your own good. You don't want a woman who is tired all day long, taking care of the kids, cooking, doing everything. She'll never be any fun. She'll never want to go out with you because she'll be exhausted. She'll never want to sleep with you. So this is an investment you're making for your love life. Think of it that way."
I read a survey that said Latin men and women never talk about sex.
What do you mean?
It said it just doesn't come up in conversation — although to tell you the truth, I don't talk about sex with my wife.
What is there to talk about unless there's a problem?
Is there something an American man should know about a Latina as he approaches her sexually?
I guess at the end of the day, all women like to be appreciated and treated with respect and kindness. We all want to have sex in a romantic way. But with a Latina, you're going to have more fun. [Vergara winks. She winks in a way that no woman from Stockholm or Tokyo or Minneapolis can wink. She winks in a way that only a Latina can wink.]
What about the cultural difference in bathing suits? The first time my wife saw an American bathing suit, she laughed.
Oh, me too! I was like, What is that? It's like a diaper. It's terrible. Who can look good in that? When I moved to the United States, I used to have bathing suits brought up from Colombia.
Where's the line for a Latin woman between being beautiful and being slu*tty?
There's nothing slu*tty about a dental-floss bikini. You don't even think about it. The first bathing suit your mother buys you is in the shape of a triangle.
Is body taste here confusing for Latinas? Here, there's an emphasis on being skinny.
Well, in Colombia everybody's very voluptuous and you're supposed to be. You don't want to be skinny when all of your cousins are mermaids. You grow up thinking that's how beauty is.
I once read that you felt like you were born with lipstick on. Do you not feel natural unless you're wearing makeup?
Yeah. I love putting makeup on. I grew up watching my mother. Before my mother took us to school in the morning, she was taking her rollers out and putting on lipstick. Now I think, Where was she going? But in the moment it was normal.
Bottom line: A Latina is supposed to look as beautiful as possible at every moment?
Yes.
Are Latinas superstitious?
Don't ever put a Latina's purse on the floor. The money will go away. Also, never make a toast with only water in the glass. Something horrible will happen.
What about making plans? My wife can't see beyond the moment she's living in.
Oh, yeah. Nick will say something like, "What are we doing for Christmas?" I'm like, "Nick, that's months away. You can't ask me that! How can I answer that when I don't even know what I'm doing next month?"
Nonstop impulsive spontaneity can be difficult for some American men.
Just accept the Latin woman for how she is and enjoy her. Embrace the mystery.
Here's something I've always wondered about: Why is it that Latinas go crazy when their men look at another woman, yet when they have boys, they want their sons to go out with as many women as possible?
[She smiles.] There's no analyzing that. That's just how it is.
My wife always tries to baby my son. Do you do that to your son?
Oh, yeah. I'm messaging him all day. Texting is perfect, because he doesn't want to pick up the phone in front of his friends. "How cold is it in Boston? Don't forget to take the vitamin C!" You know, that kind of stuff. "Remember to clean. And you have to get a haircut — "
Hold on. You're telling your twenty-year-old son who's three thousand miles away to get a haircut?
You sound like my boyfriend. When he watches me react to my son, he sees it differently than how it actually is. He says, "You're too controlling." And I say, "What are you talking about?" When I tell him that he has to comb his hair and not to wear that sweater, the color is horrible, it's not controlling at all. It's for his own good. When I tell him, "Change those shorts, they look horrible with that outfit," it's not that I want to control him. I want him to go out and look his best. I don't know why you would think that is controlling.
Because it is controlling!
No, it means I care! I want to tell him what is right.
But that would suggest that a Latina always knows what's right.
Well, we do.
The words made me laugh, just as if they'd come off my wife's lips. Which, I guess, is the ultimate point. If a full-blooded American male chooses the right Latina, he may slap his forehead at the never-ending series of misunderstandings, and deep, patient breaths will become his best friend. But! The days will never be boring, and they'll generally end in laughter.
My twentieth wedding anniversary is coming up, and I couldn't love my wife more. And yet as I left Sofia, I realized that as well as I know my Latin wife, I will never truly understand her. Even after twenty years, and even after spending an entire afternoon grilling another smart Latina with questions I already knew the answers to, there is still, and there always will be, mystery.
But I'm pretty sure that's why the love endures.
Things Many People Don't Know About Sofia Vergara:
• She was discovered in 1989, at age 17, by a modeling scout on a beach in her native Colombia.
• She was hesitant to take her first commercial, for Pepsi, because of what her Catholic-school nuns might think.
• At 19, she had her only child, Manolo, while married to her high school sweetheart. (Her son's name on Modern Family: Manny.)
• After her divorce, she briefly studied dentistry.
• Her first regular TV job was cohosting the Univision travel show Fuera de Serie ("Out of This World") from 1995 to 1998. She frequently wore a bikini. Check YouTube.
• Her brother, Rafael, was murdered during a kidnapping attempt in Colombia in 1998. She soon moved her whole family to Miami.
• In 2005, she appeared in John Singleton's Four Brothers, alongside former rumored boyfriend Mark Wahlberg.
• Modern Family was the third try in Vergara's holding deal with ABC, after Hot Properties and The Knights of Prosperity.
• In 2006, she played a male-to-female transsexual in the direct-to-video Grilled, starring Ray Romano and Kevin James as meat salesmen. Vergara told The Advocate, "I look like a transsexual, anyway."
• She has referred to her breasts as "ridiculously huge."
—Steve Ciccarelli
